Prompt #2: Sankofa

[inkstainedfingertips]

This is, I guess, a bit of fictionalized biography. I hope you enjoy it.

* * * * *

“I used to be confident. Strong. I used to have a lot of friends and I really believed in myself. Do you remember that?”

As usual, he says nothing, his casual indifference—his cruelty—the defining characteristic of our entire relationship. I stare at myself in the mirror, barely recognizing my own face. Reaching up with the tips of my fingers, I trace the delicate lines that had formed at the corners of my eyes—eyes that had long ago lost their luster and that mischievous sparkle people always used to notice.

“When did I get so old?”

My voice is low and scratchy, little more than a whisper, and even I can hear the sadness that colors my words. It shames me. My voice used to carry excitement and a vibrant sound of life. Now, it makes me sound like a person just marking time. A person merely going through the motions and checking off the days until my inevitable demise.

“I used to be happy—we used to be happy. Do you remember that?”

I wait for a response but unsurprisingly, don’t receive one. Having the hard conversations isn’t something he’s ever liked to do. In the beginning, we talked about everything. For hours. We would talk literally until the sun came up. I was so caught up in all those hearts-and-flowers feelings that mark the early part of a relationship. That lighter than air feeling that comes when you’re getting to know somebody new, somebody you connect with on some deep level. Those butterflies in my tummy blinded me to so many things. So many things.

It’s only now, as I reflect on these last handful of years, that I can see while we talked about everything, we actually talked about nothing. We certainly never talked about the important things when they mattered most. And we absolutely never talked when we had problems because in his eyes, we never had problems. The problem was always me.

It’s only in hindsight that I can see he always managed to pass off the blame to me. Worse, I accepted it. I didn’t see it at the time, but I carried all the weight of our problems. And I guess that’s because somewhere deep inside me, when he said everything was my fault, I believed him. I believed if I could just be better somehow, or be a little bit different, the problems we had would simply disappear. That we would be happy again.

“When did everything change? When did it all go wrong?”

I wait, hoping he’ll say something. Hoping that he’ll give me some acknowledgement that not everything was my fault. I keep hoping, as I’d been hoping for years, that he would take his share of the blame for everything going so wrong. I hear a faint mutter from the other room, but it’s too low for me to make out what he’s saying. I sigh and finish with my hair.

People have asked me why I don’t just leave, but it’s not that easy. He won’t let me go. I’ve tried. But every time, he pulls me back in. I haven’t had the strength to stand my ground and have the courage of my convictions. He’s made me believe that I’m nothing. Less than nothing. He’s made me believe that I’m lucky anybody loves me at all.

“This isn’t love though,” I say softly. “It never has been.”

I used to be strong and confident. But years of being gaslit and being forced to carry weight that wasn’t mine to bear have taken a toll. It’s broken me down and now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I only see a shell of the person I used to be. All I see is a hollowed out carcass. I’m empty and numb. I’m not capable of feeling anything anymore.

I don’t want to be this way. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I’m exceptionally tired of carrying weight that’s not mine to carry. I want to be free. I want to live. I want to feel strong and confident again. I want to be surrounded by friends. But more than anything, I just want to get back to that person I used to be.

So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I finish putting on my makeup and give myself a smile in the mirror. It’s a smile that feels real and puts a sparkle in my eye I haven’t seen in a very long time. Grabbing my bag, I walk into the bedroom and look down at him. He’s splayed out on the bed, murmuring between loud, rattling snores as he sleeps. I watch the shadows flickering across his face from the pair of pillar candles burning on the nightstand.

I look at the mostly empty bottle of vodka that he’d dropped to the floor and wonder how much of the phenobarbital I mixed into it he ingested. Probably enough that he’ll be asleep for a while yet. Taking one last sweep of our small house, I make sure all the windows and doors are buttoned up tight and laugh. He always chastised me whenever I left windows open at night, which right now, I’m finding a little ironic.

That done, I walk into the kitchen and disconnect the line that leads into the stove and listen to the hiss of gas escaping for a moment. Smiling to myself, I grab my bag and walk out the door, making sure to lock it behind me, then walk into the night, eager to begin my new life… by getting back to the old me.

Comments

[nicholewithanh]

Your reflection here captures the sense of loss and disillusionment that comes from living in a relationship marked by indifference. The way you describe staring at your reflection and tracing the lines around your eyes was one of my favourite parts of this piece. It’s as if you’re not just looking at the physical changes in yourself, but also at the emotional toll that left you feeling like a shadow of who you once were. I hope that you went on to regain some of that vitality and zest for life that you felt was missing while trapped in this relationship!

[inkstainedfingertips]

It’s as if you’re not just looking at the physical changes in yourself, but also at the emotional toll that left you feeling like a shadow of who you once were

Exactly right. I am really glad you were able to take this away.

Thank you so much for reading.

[muchtooarrogant]

Wow, I certainly wasn't expecting your character's journey of self-discovery to turn into murder! Interesting entry.

Dan

[inkstainedfingertips]

I wanted to make it interesting. ha ha.

Thank you for reading!

[mollywheezy]

Great piece--I certainly relate to looking in the mirror and wondering where the years have gone. With me, it was my streaks of white hair more than wrinkles. ;) I was very surprised at the ending! Great job!

[inkstainedfingertips]

The years go by quickly, don't they?

Thank you very much for reading!

[fausts_dream]

That ending though...great entry .

[inkstainedfingertips]

Thank you. I appreciate you reading!

[halfshellvenus]

Ooh, dark. I can understand the wish fulfillment in wanting to kill someone who has spent years and years trying to kill all the living parts of you.

in his eyes, we never had problems. The problem was always me.
A clear sign of a relationship that can never be fixed.

For the parts that ARE autobiographical here, I hope you find or have already found the ability to leave him. No one deserves to be treated that way. :(

[inkstainedfingertips]

Sometimes, taking revenge is nice, if only in your mind. ha ha.

Thank you so very much for reading.

[adoptedwriter]

I love the formatting in this. It’s so easy to stay “stuck” in a toxic relationship. This is well explained here. Hugs.

[inkstainedfingertips]

It is definitely easy to remain stuck.

Thanks so much.

[bleodswean]

What an interesting read and that ending!

[inkstainedfingertips]

Thank you for reading!

[roina_arwen]

Sometimes people get what they deserve. Well done!

[inkstainedfingertips]

Even if only in our minds. Thank you for reading!

[chasing_silver]

Not the ending I expected! This reminds me of the song "Dark Horse" by Amanda Marshall ... love it.

[inkstainedfingertips]

I was hoping to make it interesting by giving it an unexpected ending. ha ha.

Thank you so much.

[thephantomq]

Mmmm, casual murder at the end there. I dig it.

Honestly, I get it, though. I married someone just as bound and determined to make me out to be the bad guy in every situation, too. And I believed her for years.

Leaving takes so, so much strength and so much detangling of the damage done.

[inkstainedfingertips]

I'm very glad it sounds like you got out of your own terrible situation and hopefully you've been unable to undo your own damage.

Thank you for reading.

Also, I tried to leave a comment on your piece as well, but wasn't able to for some reason. I did read and enjoy it, though.

[thephantomq]

<3 I think we managed to undo... a good chunk of it.

And oh -- thank you for the heads up. I'll see if it's something to do with AO3's settings..

[murielle]

Oh! Wow! The end!

Not what I expected. Brava!

[alycewilson]

I knew something was wrong but not quite what it was until the last moment.

[tamara_in_jakarta]

Love this. Before I got out I often wished our house had gas. Now I hope for a fall down the stairs when nobody's home, or maybe that nasty sleep apnea finally doing the job.

[xeena]

I loved the dark turn this took!